nag-iisa

this time i'm gonna say i'm sad because i now feel ok...

finally, a 3 and a half year relationship had ended...

i've always knew that we were falling apart, it was just a question of when....and then 3 months ago, it happened...finally said our final goodbye...

it's over...the arguments, the fighting and cursing and yelling and hurting each other is over....

wala na ding katabi sa pagtulog, kasabay sa pagkain, kausap sa gabi, kayakap....wala ng magluluto ng masarap na adobo...wala ng maga-alaga when i'm sick....

but that's life, some good things never last so they say...

it was so painful that i cried everynight, but i knew in my heart that it was one of the hardest yet the best decision i have ever made...and this time wala na ding balikang mangyayari, this is the curtain call...

no more "how are you texts"...or at least not at this time cuz we both need to heal before we can see each other and be friends...

ok na ako, im done with the crying...i could no longer smell her scent in my pillows, in my blanket and in my room...tapos na akong umiyak...

3 months ago...i thought my world was over, but now i am confident that there's something new and something better waiting ahead...

i just wanna say thank you, thank you and more thank you...for making me feel special, for making me feel important, for making me feel loved...

and to your mom, for treating me like her own son :) i will always pray for your happiness...bye ga....im letting you go...im forgetting you...im moving on....i still love you but sad to say it's goodbye...

akala ko, i thought, abi naku!

I've always thought of myself as a fighter. Pain, heartaches, abuses and endless fraustrations nourished the tiger in my soul. Sometimes I really wish it was the other way around, sometimes I wish I grew up with lots of love and care and kisses and hugs, but no, it was tough, it was really hard....and now here I am..with walls, with certain coldness, and with an overwhelming will to always survive...

tell me...is this bad?

I still cry...when I see children suffer, when I see mother's weeping...it melts my heart...

I still would like to think that I have a good heart, somewhere deep in the darkest corner of my soul is still an innocent child, longing for affection...the kind of affection that lasts...

But thing that I have always wished for seems so elusive...I'm getting old and I'm getting tired... where are you?

But being a tiger that I am, giving-up is never an option...I always choose to move on and in some way be happy, at least for a while if not forever...

I still believe that soon I'll get there, where ever is that place I wanna be, I will get there....and I'm gonna smile and say I made it, I did it, I finally kicked their asses....

BAD...REALLY BAD....

Things are really nasty nowadays. I have been betrayed again, by someone who had betrayed me plenty of times before. You may I ask how stupid I am? for allowing this person deceive and hurt me over and over again. But what can I do? he is my father...

Sometimes, in a single split of a second, I wish we Filipinos have the culture of the Americans, where they are not "obliged" so see their parents or their dads everytime. I can choose not to deal with him every single day, but that is not the case for me. I have been brought-up in a traditional close-knit family where we take care of each other no matter what, specially that I'm the only child.

He hurt me and my mom before when we found out he was having an affair with someone close to our family, a girl who was living with my aunt, poor girl tsk.. ruined her life for an irresponsible married man....he did it again several times, with a family friend, a co-workers wife, a neighbor, a close friend's gf...horrible i know...

But what hurts me most is when betrayal happens because of money..I mean come on we're family and I'm your son and it's just fucking money!!!! seems like he is addicted to money, he wants lots of it if not all of it and he's gonna fight for it, WTF!!!!! money is just a peace of paper to help us through our daily lives...it's not everything...but he does not know that for sure....

And now he's sick again, and just like before when everything is not good about his health, he comes home to us, to ask for help, to ask for care...and my mom a martyr, unbelievably takes care of him with all her heart, and secretly just cry over her pain, over the kind of life that she has...and that's the part that i hate so very much!!!! I have told my mom many many times, there is always a CHOICE, which she say she doesn't because she's kinda old now... there is a choice to just walk away and leave and find something better, find something new, something that will not give her pain and agony and sleepless nights, something that would no longer put lonely tears in her eyes....but she always, as ever choose to stay...

My dad is partly the reason why I left home and moved to the big city, life in the province could be simple but I wanted more for myself and my family and I know it's hard to leave in the same roof with my dad...

I believe I still love my father, he is my father after all..it's his ways that I condemn. I pray that tomorrow or next week or next month or next year he'd change but deep in my heart I'm hopeless, I really doubt that change will still happen...I've always been a believer of hope and prayers...but with him, I'm really uncertain. I asked God for forgiveness for thinking and feeling this way, but as I said, what can I do?

why? i dont know....

I have always asked that question..why? yet I have not found out the answer, and I don't think I ever will...not until I leave this world and see God, by then I can ask him....

People by nature always want more, we are never contented with whatever we have. We still crave for more....and it's sad that once in a while, even if we have the things we desire, we still get lonely. Sometimes we get lonely for no reasons at all....

There are some moments in my life where I wished I never got old, it is sometimes better to stay young, a child...because a child can always appreciate the simple things in life...a child never complains about the hurtful things in life....a child can just sleep it off...a child can just pick-up his toy and smile...a child can always ease burdens by just a hug from his mother....but I am no longer a child, I grew up....

I grew up seeing things in a different way, I saw people got hurt horribly...I saw my mom crying...I saw my world collapse, I saw my dreams shattered...and I couldn't do a thing...but cry....

But then I learned to pray and have faith... faith that things would somehow be better tomorrow... I am uncertain, but there is always that little spark of hope out there....

Now, I want to stop wishing, because I am scared that I might get those wishes...and realize that those wishes are beyond my understanding...I just hope...hope that things will be lighter...that I'd always be able to make it and smile.....