Things are really nasty nowadays. I have been betrayed again, by someone who had betrayed me plenty of times before. You may I ask how stupid I am? for allowing this person deceive and hurt me over and over again. But what can I do? he is my father...
Sometimes, in a single split of a second, I wish we Filipinos have the culture of the Americans, where they are not "obliged" so see their parents or their dads everytime. I can choose not to deal with him every single day, but that is not the case for me. I have been brought-up in a traditional close-knit family where we take care of each other no matter what, specially that I'm the only child.
He hurt me and my mom before when we found out he was having an affair with someone close to our family, a girl who was living with my aunt, poor girl tsk.. ruined her life for an irresponsible married man....he did it again several times, with a family friend, a co-workers wife, a neighbor, a close friend's gf...horrible i know...
But what hurts me most is when betrayal happens because of money..I mean come on we're family and I'm your son and it's just fucking money!!!! seems like he is addicted to money, he wants lots of it if not all of it and he's gonna fight for it, WTF!!!!! money is just a peace of paper to help us through our daily lives...it's not everything...but he does not know that for sure....
And now he's sick again, and just like before when everything is not good about his health, he comes home to us, to ask for help, to ask for care...and my mom a martyr, unbelievably takes care of him with all her heart, and secretly just cry over her pain, over the kind of life that she has...and that's the part that i hate so very much!!!! I have told my mom many many times, there is always a CHOICE, which she say she doesn't because she's kinda old now... there is a choice to just walk away and leave and find something better, find something new, something that will not give her pain and agony and sleepless nights, something that would no longer put lonely tears in her eyes....but she always, as ever choose to stay...
My dad is partly the reason why I left home and moved to the big city, life in the province could be simple but I wanted more for myself and my family and I know it's hard to leave in the same roof with my dad...
I believe I still love my father, he is my father after all..it's his ways that I condemn. I pray that tomorrow or next week or next month or next year he'd change but deep in my heart I'm hopeless, I really doubt that change will still happen...I've always been a believer of hope and prayers...but with him, I'm really uncertain. I asked God for forgiveness for thinking and feeling this way, but as I said, what can I do?
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